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Parents create new ritual, for connection

August 29, 2019

As published in the Daily Hampshire Gazette, Wednesday, September 28, 2019

As parents, finding time to connect with each other is challenging. With our children, Zoe and Adam, rising 7th and 5th graders, it seems that my wife, Lori, and I spent more quality time together — alone, just the two of us — in the first three years of our relationship, than in the nearly 13 years since the birth of our Zoe.

We know we’re not alone. For many, the parenting journey in our highly-mobile culture where parents with young children, ours included, are geographically distant from family support systems where cousins, aunts, uncles, parents and grandparents can support each other in the important, daily work of raising children.

And so, for many, child care gaps are filled with a mosaic of paid support, in the form of baby sitters and nannies, as well as after-school, school vacation and summer camp programs, all adding to the cost of running a household. In the bustle of this lifestyle, Lori and I have worked hard, and struggled, to maintain quality connection, often too drained by the workday, ever-present commitment to Zoe and Adam, basic household operations and steadfast commitment to individual health and well-being.

Along the way, our sense of quality-time has evolved. Now, 15-minutes sipping morning tea on the breezeway before the kids awake, a quick trip to the YMCA to share a single lane to swim laps, and a 30-minute after dinner walk on the bike path serve as essential moments for being together — for connecting, sharing and listening to each other, without interruption.

While these moments of connection help sustain our relationship, we have yearned for longer periods of time, a full day or weekend, to enjoy our favorite outdoor activities, explore a new place, and simply be together as a couple. And while we have enjoyed a half-day or day together on a few occasions — even a weekend for our 10th wedding anniversary — extended time together has been a relatively unfulfilled aspiration.

So recently we decided to take a weekend trip together, while Zoe and Adam enjoyed time with their Granny and Pops, Lori’s parents, who during the summer months live less than two hours from our home. The trip was to visit Lori’s brother and family, in Charleston, South Carolina — to which a direct flight was non-existent, the heat index was over 100 degrees, and the woods and waterways around their home were inhabited by rattle snakes and alligators, two of my least favorite creatures.

But we were on a mission, determined to create a new ritual — a getaway weekend around the time of our August wedding anniversary — something we can plan and look forward to each year. So, we focused on the positive; and it was fun! We enjoyed rare time with Lori’s brother and family, tasty cuisine, uninterrupted adult conversation, and local sites, including Charleston College (where Lori’s brother and sister-in-law teach), an amazing 400-year-old Oak tree, and the only commercial Tea growing operation in the United States, which, as daily tea drinkers, we found especially interesting.

Throughout our trip we missed Zoe and Adam, and tearful FaceTime calls made it obvious that they missed us, too. Still, we believe that nurturing our relationship — day to day and with occasional trips — is essential to not only sustaining our relationship, but to thriving as a family too. So, while our family of four most enjoys being together — at home and for adventures — Lori and I are already creating a list of possibilities for next year’s getaway weekend, for just the two of us, where the weather is moderate, without snakes and gators.

John Engel of Florence can be reached through his website fatherhoodjourney.com.

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