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Welcome to The Fatherhood Journey

September 10, 2014

Welcome to The Fatherhood Journey

John EngelFatherhood is a sacred journey, filled with mystery and adventure.

Reflecting on the milestones and transitions of the journey helps me create meaning from these experiences, empowering me as a father. Through ‘The Fatherhood Journey’ I offer my writings as a means to promote private and public conversations about fatherhood – to explore the mystery and celebrate the adventure – conversations that too often remain unspoken.

These writings reflect my deepest gratitude for the precious gift of children, marriage, family, parenthood and community.

I dedicate these writings to my loving wife, Lori, and our children Zoe and Adam, whose collective presence has changed my life in the most amazing ways, and to all who experience the journey of fatherhood.

With gratitude,

John

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Renewing a love of climbing with the family

September 2, 2017

As published in the Daily Hampshire Gazette, August 29, 2017

I moved to Boulder, Colorado when I was 34, drawn to the mountains and a community. I was starting graduate school and seeking a fresh start.

Soon my days were filled with studying and outdoor adventure. While hiking, biking, trail running and backpacking ranked high on my list of favorite activities, rock climbing captivated me.

Sure, there was all the gear – the rope, hardware, harness, shoes, helmet — that initially was exciting. But the actual climbing outdoors on a rock formation was engrossing. Studying and feeling every variation in the surface of the rock, learning when to push and pull, gripping with fingers, wedging hands and feet, all in the service of countering gravity, had me fully present in the moment. The ideas, worries and daily happenings that often flooded my over-active mind disappeared. I felt mentally cleansed.

After completing school and returning to regular work, I met Lori, and for a time, amidst our many outdoor adventures, we enjoyed climbing together, enlivened by the experience. Then we married, started a family and more than 10-years passed without us climbing together.

But recently, we returned to Boulder, for a week’s vacation, with our children, Zoe and Adam, who are nearly 11 and 8 years old, respectively. For months leading up to our trip, we discussed and planned the many outdoor adventures that awaited us, including an introduction to rock climbing for the kids. They were thrilled!

Once in Boulder, we set about outfitting Zoe and Adam with basic climbing gear, which we funded through the sale of our family canoe that had sat unused in our backyard for three years. First, we visited an old haunt — a gear shop — where Zoe and Adam were each fitted for climbing harnesses. Next stop, a friend with a climbing accessory home business, who loaned us a rope and hardware and then allowed Zoe and Adam to each pick out a chalk bag, which climbers use to dust their finger tips for better grip. Last stop, a used equipment shop, where we found discounted climbing shoes for each.

The next day, we loaded our packs with gear, snacks and drinks, drove a short distance to a familiar trail, and hiked to a climbing area with beginner routes, where I could easily secure a rope.

In a short-time the kids were climbing, first Adam, then Zoe, then each a second time. And they were smiling – big smiles — brimming with a sense of accomplishment. And Lori and I were smiling, too — big smiles, brimming with pure joy.

A few days later we enjoyed a second climbing outing, offering Zoe and Adam an opportunity to build their confidence and feel inspired by the Colorado landscape. This time, I watched more closely when they were climbing, noticing how each intently studied the rock surface, moving their bodies with natural ease, and — it seemed to me – fully present with the experience.

And, once again, I felt captivated by the sport I had once loved.

Time will tell whether climbing becomes for Zoe and Adam what it once was for me — and for Lori and me — but for now, I’m simply relishing my renewed love of climbing as a family.

John Engel of Florence can be reached through his website fatherhoodjourney.com.

Cafe enriches father’s world, and community

July 31, 2017

As published in the Daily Hampshire Gazette, July 26, 2017

I find refuge in small cafes. It started in my post-college years.

Quiet ones serving loose leaf jasmine tea, fresh baked goods and healthy light fare are most appealing, to me.

Rochambo Coffee and Teahouse in Milwaukee was where I graded papers for the high school social studies students I taught. At Bookend Café in Boulder, I completed most of my graduate studies in ecopsychology – and more importantly, met my wife, Lori, and later enjoyed burritos and giant chocolate chip cookies with our 2-year old daughter, Zoe, when Lori worked Saturday shifts at the hospital there. And I networked with strangers at Haymarket Café in Northampton, seeking work during the Great Recession.

Each was a place of connection, a space where the world slowed down, creativity flowed and possibilities emerged.

Six years ago, we moved to Florence, landing a few blocks from the village center, where, situated at the main intersection was Cup & Top Café.

For years, our family has visited the café for special lunch outings, where the menu offers peanut- and tree nut-free options for son, Adam, mac and cheese for Zoe, gluten-free fare for Lori — and loose leaf tea, for me.

In their younger years, the kids entertained themselves, mostly, in the play area where a slide, dress-up clothes, books and games awaited, while Lori and I would relish precious minutes of uninterrupted conversation.

Once, Zoe and I enjoyed a lunch date there, and I taught her how to play chess on the small square table that bears a painted checker board. Another time, Adam, still a toddler, and I, marveled through the front window as a fire truck parked in the middle of Main Street and extended its ladder up high to secure an enormous American flag for the Fourth of July.

As a father, I have always found a steady presence of caring adults, young and old, at the café offering a knowing glance, acknowledgement that parenting — at its best — is a team sport, played on a community field.

Founder and owner, Helen Kahn, a parent who is also president of the Northampton Soccer Club, clearly understood the value of community, when she founded Cup & Top more than 11 years ago.

But while the back room at Cup & Top has always been a family favorite, the front room has nourished my creative muse. When new to the area and seeking connection, I convened a father’s group, after hours, in the front room of the café, quarterly for nearly two years. The day after the first gathering, I sat near the front windows, journaling and sipping tea, when I first imagined writing a monthly fatherhood column.

I stepped outside with my cellphone and called the Gazette, and within minutes was pitching my idea to the editor. Since then, most of my columns have been written at the café, always a cup of tea at my side.

Over the past decade, Cup & Top has become a vital hub — a place to lunch with colleagues, meet with friends, host visitors, grab a cup of coffee, seek warmth during New England winters, chat about elections past and present, purchase locally crafted paintings, cards, books and CDs, and enjoy a fresh, locally sourced menu.

Together, our individual lives become a collective story — a community. Cup & Top has been one of the special places where this story is written. And, so, Helen’s decision to sell the cafe and make space for new adventures is both a loss and pause for celebration. It is also a moment of anticipation, as we wonder what the new owners will unveil when the cafe reopens as the Freckled Fox Cafe later this summer.

For now, I lift my cup of steaming jasmine tea to you — Helen Kahn — for creating and nurturing a space that enriched my life, my family — and our community.

John Engel of Florence can be reached through his website fatherhoodjourney.com.

Preventing sexual violence, by raising healthy boys

June 29, 2017

As published in the Daily Hampshire Gazette, June 27, 2017

Thanks to the strong voices and courageous actions of our local middle school students, the opportunity for promoting a school climate that ensures a safe learning environment for all has gotten our attention. Now we need to follow up with action.

Last week, students at JFK Middle School in Northampton, MA peacefully protested — twice — asserting that sexual harassment is prevalent among their peers and that the response of school staff has been inadequate. According to a front-page story in the Gazette, one student said she reported to school officials that she had been sexually harassed by a group of boys and was told that this behavior was common for kids their age and that if she was uncomfortable returning to the class, she could sit in the library for a few days.

As a father to a daughter, who in two years will be a student at that school, and to a son who will be there two years later, I am disheartened — yet not surprised, sadly — at the thought that an adult in a position of power would normalize sexual harassment.

As a neighbor to children who currently attend this school, at least one of whom participated in the protest, I stand with them.

And, as the executive director of MERGE for Equality, a Florence-based nonprofit organization with a mission to engage people and communities in transforming masculinity to advance gender equality, I am emboldened by the determination of the protesting students.

Sexual harassment is a form of interpersonal violence that is offensive, unacceptable — and experienced by many school-age children.

A five-year study led by youth violence expert Dorothy Espelage, found that upwards of 43 percent of middle school students surveyed reported having experienced verbal sexual harassment, and 21 percent reported experiencing physical sexual harassment or assault. This includes unwanted sexually explicit notes, jokes, verbal comments, cyber messages and grabbing of body parts. Findings suggest that girls, as well as transgender and gender non-conforming youth, are more likely than boys to be sexually harassed.

Erin Prangley, of the American Association of University Women, asserts “many school cultures trivialize harassment, tolerate language that degrades women and leave unchallenged the misconception that masculinity means being superior and aggressive and femininity means being inferior and submissive.”

Emily Austin, executive director of Stop Sexual Assault in Schools, a California-based nonprofit organization, stated “unaddressed sexual harassment and assault incidents in K-12 schools are the training ground for college sexual assaults,” which are occurring at epidemic levels.

It is offensive to excuse sexual harassment with the age-old adage “boys will be boys;” it is never excusable. Furthermore, reinforcing this dehumanizes boys and men, by suggesting that males are inherently violent. In fact, all boys — like all children — are born loving, caring and sensitive.

This has been evident to me as I’ve observed both my son and my daughter from the moments I first held each one.

Yet, sadly, we begin shaping gender differences in children before they are born, forcing social and cultural expectations on them.

For boys, that means learning and conforming to social norms that require physical strength, emotional stoicism, and social autonomy as evidence of manliness. As adults we reinforce this message through shame, by telling boys — even the very young — to “man up!”

And, in the classroom, on the playground, and in the locker room, boys who fail to fulfill these cultural expectations — boys who dare to be creative, sensitive, artistic, nurturing and caring — are subject to name-calling: fag, homo, queer, and, what the bullies intend as the ultimate put down, girl.

Sexual harassment is directly linked to homophobic insults, according to Espelage, whose research demonstrated that youths use such slurs to gain social standing over other students. Then, the youth who are victimized in this way are compelled to prove they are not gay or lesbian by sexually harassing peers of the opposite sex.

Recently MERGE for Equality convened its 4th Annual Healthy Men and Boys Summit. This year’s theme was, ‘Raising Emotionally and Socially Connected Boys.’ Keynote presenter and developmental psychologist, Dr. Niobe Way, who has studied the social and emotional lives of boys for nearly 30 years, and whose findings are consistent with Espelage’s research, encouraged those present to “notice and nurture resistance to harmful masculinity norms.”

The JFK Middle School students are giving us an opportunity to do that.

We can do it through compassion, by supporting and nurturing the caring side of boys and men; through accountability, by insisting that boys and men model respect through their words and behavior; and through partnership, by working together to change the way we socialize boys.

MERGE for Equality publicly invites youth and adults from the JFK Middle School community to join us in our recently launched Children’s Book Campaign. Over the next 12-months a diverse committee of educators and literacy specialists will help identify children’s books, which reflect themes of positive masculinity and gender equality. A guide will be offered to initiate discussions among adults and children. Distribution of books will target schools, libraries and settings that support children and will be based on available funding. Stories highlighting the use of these books will be collected and shared.

MERGE is prepared to join with the JFK community to identify a book and support conversations as early as this summer.

Learn more about the campaign by visiting: http://www.mergeforequality.org/childrens-books/ or contact us at info@mergeforequality.org.

John Engel of Florence can be reached through his website fatherhoodjourney.com.

Celebrating a birthday alone in the woods

May 24, 2017

As published in the Daily Hampshire Gazette, May 23, 2017

Recently I enjoyed a day-long hike. It was a Friday, my 51st birthday, and I had cleared my work schedule in advance. As soon as Zoe and Adam, my 10- and 7-year-olds, rolled away on the morning school bus, I headed to the trailhead, about a 15-minute drive from home.

The absence of cars — and even better, people — at the parking area, brought a smile to my face. I enjoyed a couple of gulps from my water bottle before shouldering the small red pack, which contained a light windbreaker, food, first aid kit and basic emergency supplies.

The air was chilly, the sky cloudy. As the forest enveloped me, its many shades of green came into relief. Bird songs and leaves rustling in the breeze played like soft musical notes, set against a backdrop of profound silence.

Twenty minutes into my hike, I paused at a grand overlook, the place where on our family hikes the four of us break for water and snacks, mountain views stretching along the eastern horizon.

I continued on, passed the Beaver Pond and onto a section of the trail where Zoe’s and Adam’s legs have not ventured, to explore the unknown. Three hours out, three back — the trail offered me six hours of bliss and a precious reminder.

I watched a red tail hawk hunt, and a newt swim in a vernal pool. I was greeted by a porcupine, which twice turned its back toward me, before lumbering away. I saw fresh deer and moose tracks, scat of coyote and bear. It reminded me that the natural pace of life is different than the frenetic pace of my own, where my personal, family, work and community roles perpetually collide.

Time slowed during my hike, and after. I felt more spacious, that day, and throughout the following week. In this state, I remembered — once again — that my best humanness thrives under these conditions.

I am more open to ideas and suggestions. I say yes and maybe, more than no. I ask more questions, offer fewer answers. My mind feels fresh — less forgetful, confused and overwhelmed. The world appears full of possibility, and fewer obstacles.

A certain ease, at home and work, results. Though conflicts arise and challenges emerge, they are less unsettling. I function more as the husband, father, friend, colleague and neighbor that I want to be.

Running, meditation and writing — my regular practices — help balance and sustain me. But time alone in the woods is different, more enduring. So, while in recent years, a day-long hike is my special birthday ritual, I am thinking I need to celebrate my life, family and fatherhood — alone in the woods — far more often.

John Engel of Florence can be reached through his website fatherhoodjourney.com.

Father reflects on entering the sandwich generation

April 28, 2017

As published in the Daily Hampshire Gazette, April 26, 2017

Recently my mother took ill. She has been in relatively good health and recently celebrated her 75th birthday at her 55-plus, residential community. So, when my sister called to report my mother was in an ambulance, and possibly had suffered a stroke, I was surprised, and scared.

Fortunately, my mother’s condition quickly stabilized while she received a few days of great care in the hospital, followed by a week in a rehabilitation center. She then returned to independent living, where she received a couple of weeks of home care visits.

And so I found myself, along side my generational peers, a member of the sandwich generation, pressed between the need to care for both young children and aging parents. And while I initially felt some panic and stress from this double responsibility, I also have come to appreciate a few unexpected gifts, which accompanied this unexpected, yet predictable, episode.

First, I am grateful for my sister’s astute perception and quick action. She was speaking to my mother by phone and noticed my mother was struggling to speak and think clearly. Immediately suspecting a stroke — despite the fact that my mother has never experienced one — she called the front desk at my mother’s residential community and requested a room check. They shared my sister’s concerns and called for an ambulance.

During the following days of treatment, I chose to support from a distance, attempting to balance work, family and supporting the process in the way I thought I was best equipped. My sister texted a string of hourly and daily updates and put me on speaker phone as soon as a doctor or case manager entered the room.

With the support of my wife, Lori, who has more than 20 years experience as a health care professional — including rehabilitation of stroke patients — I was able to ask key questions and advocate for care in ways that were helpful. Even my father, more than 20 years divorced from my mother and who has a past, scary, stroke history, was able to offer timely advice to me, which I immediately put to use when on the phone with the cardiologist.

Our family is no stranger to pain and separation, bearing bruises from past hurts and unresolved conflicts. Yet, during this brief episode, we pulled together to function as a team, effectively managing a difficult situation, an unfamiliar — yet welcome — experience.

With my mother quickly returning to her daily routines, my focus has shifted forward. In many ways, we were fortunate — this time — since the impact of her stroke was relatively mild, a great blessing indeed.

But I also learned that she had neglected to put her legal affairs in order, an unsettling thought in the wake of this recent scare. First, I felt some judgment about my mother’s inactions, followed by resentment with the thought that I was the person best positioned to support her with putting together end-of-life plans. Then I realized that Lori and I had not fared any better in this endeavor.

To Lori’s credit, she has been encouraging us to create a will and other health care plans – pushing, prodding and pulling together resources. But I have presented a string of excuses — for years — thus preventing us from completing basic plans designed to ease the burden of managing important life and death circumstances.

Reflecting on the recent situation with my mother has created greater urgency for me to work with Lori to put our own legal plans in place. So, with our 10 and 7 year-old Zoe and Adam clamoring for our attention, we have been discussing and learning about the basics of estate planning, including health care proxies, advanced medical directives and living wills, as well as financial powers of attorney and wills.

And while we have yet to fully complete the process, it feels good to be working on it together, especially knowing that we are putting important protections in place for each other, and for Zoe and Adam. It also feels good to learn important information that will be useful as I seek to support my mother with her own legal planning.

This recent experience, both caring for our young children, and supporting my aging mother, helped us grow closer as a family, not pull us apart. And while the road ahead will surely be more complicated, I am learning that life in the sandwich generation includes unexpected blessings, too.

John Engel of Florence can be reached through his website fatherhoodjourney.com.

Bonding through haircuts (and burritos)

April 3, 2017

As published in the Daily Hampshire Gazette, March 29, 2017

“Your hair is getting too long.” I remember those words, delivered more with shame than care, when I was a kid. Parents, teachers and coaches alike – back in the 1970’s – found it both duty and right to ensure that boys’ hair remained tightly cropped.

Perhaps they were just defending the status quo – a post war 1950’s version of American culture – ensuring that kids from respectable families and communities did not venture down the path of longhaired, counter-culture types.

Nonetheless, I clung to my medium to slightly long hair style – like most of my peers – throughout my school years and college, venturing for a few tumultuous years in my late 20’s to a ponytail of respectable length, before shaving my head bald. Since that decisive moment, I have been a fan of the good old, fashioned buzz cut (an 1/8 to ¼ inch in length) the preferred look of – my father’s era!

My reasons are pragmatic, mostly. It’s very easy to manage – I’m in and out of the barber chair in under 10-minutes (and for a fraction of what my wife Lori pays for a hair styling, although her hair is lovely), only a drop of shampoo is required for each washing, and I never have bed or hat head.

My son Adam (and daughter Zoe) have only seen me with short hair – and occasionally a clean, shaven head. Not surprisingly, while I fully support Adam’s hair choices, and at age 7 he certainly has a strong opinion on the matter, he generally prefers to join me for a buzz cut, accept when he would rather not.

So, wanting to avoid the hair battles of my childhood, I incentivize our outings with lunch – buzz and burritos, and in seasonable weather – bike, buzz and burritos.

And though we relish our hair outings, we both lean toward a DIY approach to life, often musing about owning gear for do-it-yourself hair trimming.

So on a recent outing to a local big box store where we trolled the isles for plaster of pairs and petroleum jelly (materials for Adam’s upcoming school science fair project), our eyes locked on a spectacle of great desire.

The words, “VIRTUALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE HAIRCUT TRIMMER,” and “For your clipping and trimming needs” boldly appeared on the bright black and yellow package, along with an image of a man giving himself a buzz cut.

Adam’s eyes (and mine) instantly registered impulse buy.

We quickly justified the purchase, reveling at the 15-piece kit, lifetime warranty and industrial power cord. The rigorous product testing (documented by online videos) sealed the deal. Never missing a teachable moment, I coached Adam through some quick calculations and he soon realized the cost of the clippers was less than two barbershop visits, such a deal!

Arriving home, we immediately set up shop in the kitchen. Fresh in my mind was Lori’s voice of disapproval, as she is still haunted by the hair cut – that went badly – which she received from her father as a child. So, I decided we should start by having Adam cut my hair. He eagerly complied.

I had seriously under-estimated the pure joy this activity would offer Adam, and me. After a few successful swipes through my hair with the clippers, Adam gleefully cried, “We’re professionals!” Moments later, welling with a sense of pride at his craftsmanship, he proclaimed, “ This is a new skill!”

About the time Adam had my head looking quite – in process, Zoe and Lori arrived home, stunned by the kitchen scene. Adam grinned widely for his audience. We wrapped up and took a lunch break before the next customer.

To my surprise, Adam insisted on buzzing his own head, while I held a mirror. It was slow going, but his sense of determination was formidable.

The whole affair was a smashing success, until the very end. As I cleaned up his neck line, tears of protest erupted as he screamed, “That hurts!” It turns out the cutting edge of the clippers gets hot after cropping a full head of hair, who knew? Lori glared with a look of “I told you so!”

After a few hugs and strategizing that next time we should let the clippers cool before finishing touches, we were ready for those product-testing videos.

After watching a pair of the clippers survive being run over by a truck, dropped three stories onto concrete, and whacked across the infield with an aluminum bat, we were even more confident our purchase would provide a lifetime of father-son haircut bonding.

And, following our next buzz cuts we will perfect our do-it-yourself burritos!

John Engel of Florence can be reached through his website http://www.fatherhoodjourney.com.

 

Compassion is solution to parenting puzzle

February 23, 2017

As published in the Daily Hampshire Gazette, February 22, 2017

Lately I have been puzzled. My wife, Lori, and I are blessed as parents of two loving children, Zoe and Adam, who are absolutely wonderful with each other — in a best friends sort of way — almost all of the time. And when they are not, it’s exhausting!

“He’s touching me!”

“She got to be first last time!”

“He’s cheating!”

“She won’t leave me alone!”

At ages 10 and 7, respectively, Zoe and Adam’s behavior is more common than perplexing, as most parents attest. The mystery, for me, is: Why are humans — of all ages — especially during times of conflict, apt to focus more on assigning blame, and less on compassion. Fortunately, reflection on seemingly unrelated events has offered me insight.

Recently, a couple of families in our close circles have been experiencing horrendous hardship. From afar, Lori and I have provided emotional support to each, grateful for the opportunity to express our care. And, after a week when circumstances were especially intense, I was feeling drained — my mind was foggy, my energy low, and I felt irritable.

I started distracting myself by reading online political news, junk food for my unsettled mind. I was instantly reminded of the raging public discourse, in the both local and national media, which I had mostly filtered out in the past couple of months.

Then I began to realize the parallels in these recent experiences. During the run up to the 2016 Presidential election, I became deeply immersed in the campaign issues and outcomes, as did millions of Americans. For many, myself included, the campaign was emotionally intense, and then the outcome left many of us overwhelmed — with foggy minds, low energy and feeling irritable.

That I felt similarly after investing emotional energy in both the election and friends in crisis left me puzzled, until I was reminded that compassion literally means “to suffer together;” to notice human suffering and to feel the impulse to alleviate it.

To suffer with another, for me, is infinitely harder, and generally less appealing, than holding someone responsible, especially if I can blame and find fault in someone else, which I was drawn to do in both the election and with those who were the source of our friends’ struggles.

Then I thought of Zoe and Adam, and the puzzle pieces clicked together. I began asking myself: How can I more intentionally practice and model compassion for them — especially when they are in conflict with each other — rather than assign responsibility, or blame, which I am prone to do.

There is growing evidence that practicing compassion has many benefits, including more caring parenting, marriages, friendships, workplaces and communities. It also makes people more resilient and happier.

So, while holding myself, and others accountable is both noble and necessary for helping right injustices in the world, I am realizing the equal, if not greater, need to practice compassion. My hope is that doing so will both make for more peaceful families, and more civil societies.

For more on compassion visit greatergood.berkelely.edu

John Engel of Florence can be reached through his website http://www.fatherhoodjourney.com.